Chapter 28: Light Living
Girl, not I’m 28 years old! (Proceeds to clutch my invisible pearls)
I’ve been earthside 10,192 or 10,227 days y’all it’s still crusty down here…
Can I be honest? I was nervous about my birthday this year but approaching this new chapter gave me such a refreshing perspective on my life and how I want to live and the vein in which I want to live from moving forward. Fruitful and purposeful living is where I want to reside doing what I was called to do. This year I made a vow to myself concerning this next phase of my life to live wholeheartedly with intention and gratitude (and for real). I’ve found myself living in frustration, fear, and a mentality of struggle and lack as a result of things I experienced up to now, but that’s not who I am. In honor of another God-gifted year I’ve decided to take back my life and I mean snatch it back because truthfully, I have work to do! It’s something when you come to the realization that you have been standing in your own way all along. It becomes such a cycle to get stuck in when you begin to expect things, not to work out as they should, so instead of expecting the best we; excuse me “I” at times tend to expect the worst. In finding the root, I understand that it stems from that mindset of previous experiences, which is hindering my forwardness, happiness, and healing.
I understand that I’m in control, as I continue to learn I understand that I deserve to not short myself in this life, to go after what belongs to me and take the risks that I have run from in the past. It has been such an interesting and enlightening adjustment giving myself permission to freely live out my healing. The thing is I know that I am not here to live a mediocre life and I get uncomfortable settling in that space. Knowing the power and potential that I carry and not having a clear idea on what to do with it has caused me to be stagnant in many areas, while I know this to be true, I often retreated to safe because I don’t have a clear picture of what my next looks like. The anticipation that I developed as I became hungrier for change kept growing, while I was excited, I was somewhat anxious too. The anxiety has a tendency to develop into fear (still) of the unknown, my fear is and has always been rooted in the future - ridiculous, I know! But the fear began to come from “I know that God wants to use me and do something big” I just don’t know what that looks like for me, and I want to be in position when the time comes. I like to stay hidden, lowkey, very much private and off the radar but I know He wants me to pivot His way, so there’s been some resistance.
I’m not defined by my experiences, and they are not the blueprint for my life; that part is already written. I am not going to try and force my plan over God’s plan because it won’t work. My life has to be in total alignment, in submitting my will and trusting God, I will live a more purposeful and fulfilled life. I have even found myself trying to help God’s plan move faster, sounds crazy right?! Judge yourself; because you too are guilty of this, I guarantee it. Do you know how we try and rush the process? It’s not effective so don’t do it. When you know, what God has planned to do in your life you either trust him or Trust Him! I am committed to trusting and leaning into knowing I’m covered. You never want to hinder yourself, I don’t want to say forfeit because if He said it then it’s happening regardless but still in His time, though you might be the reason for your held-up blessings.